His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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