the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Shame is for Republicans.
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