I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize