i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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