If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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