Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
