Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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