I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
