What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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