Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
