People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
