you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
