Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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