the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
