my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize