if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
