The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Randomize
