Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
