if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize