I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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