glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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