Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
did i walk over a car last night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize