Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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