well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
