I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
