Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
