So drunk its hurt
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
