i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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