Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Couch. On fire.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
