I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
