My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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