farters have to be the big spoon...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
