I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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