I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
