Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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