$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
