Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
