we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
