you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
