So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
