I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
