don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
