I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
