I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
