i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
