dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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