im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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