Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sober January is a disaster.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
