I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
