Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
