There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the day after is always just damage control
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize