totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
