I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
ttyl tear gas
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
