Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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