Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Where did you get a picture of my penis
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
