Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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