May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
