she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
