I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
