24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
