plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
