Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
