help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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