I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I could fuck to npr.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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