Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
