That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
