Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
