I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
