So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
